WAT ...er....!!!

At times life brings you to such cross roads wherein you are left with an 'either' 'or' option, for the sake of those who are enlightened with ignorance, allow me to share it with you all, that I have been having high viral fever coupled with bad cold (running nose and cough). As erudited and learned as I think I am, I thought of going in for the latest buzz, or if I may use the term appropriately - Naturopathy! After much discussions and some animated conversations with my kith and kin, I finally settled down for a practitioner who lives close by (but charges a bomb!). Finally the D-day arrived and with bated breath I managed to reach his clinic, and waited for my rendezvous with an impending doom (you will realise why this choice of words!)

My turn came and I went inside his cabin. After examining me from head to toe, he said in his husky voice - "Kya problem hai"? I meekly replied - "High fever and cold". At times we expect too much out of life and may be it was that moment in my life when I was expecting some words of consolation....some words of comfort....but PAT came the reply..."Thats the problem with you young kids" (although I must say I was elated to hear the word 'young', felt almost like my age getting reduced by a decade), anyways...and he went on..."Late night parties, booz, junk food. Do you see the repercussions??!!". I so wanted to retort and cry out loud that I dont drink, I dont eat junk food....and the last time I partied was when I had hair on my head..all of them...;) but the guy was too fast, before I could respond, he was at it again..he suggested me to have glasses of hot boiling water........and....thats it!....yeah you read it right...that was the only thing he said....(still cant believe he charged me 1000 bucks for that!)

However as confident as I think I am and overflowing with the misconception that I have a good sense of humor. With a sheepish grin on my face I tried pulling a faster one and asked the medical expert - "Can I also add tea leaves, cardamom seeds, milk and sugar in the glass of boiling water, and then drink the concoction".

I was rather loud in the clinic and much to my dismay and chagrin, the doctor did not appreciate my sense of humour. He did stop writing for a while, and glanced at me . At that point in time, the controted and twisted face of his, kind of reminded me of Calvin having his supper (and Hobbes being no wherein the picture!)....so guess you all get the point... but he did not!

Apparently he was joined in by his other patients who were waiting for their turn to come, because as I stepped out of his cabin, I witnessed some dozen fiery gaze literally tearing me apart and making me feel as if I am a convict of a felony against God and instead of Afzal I should be hanged!

So as a lesser mortal I stand here, with a face red swollen from the slaps of social stigma inflicted upon me, any ideas on how can I absolve myself from the 'crime' that i have committed?:)

and by the way....although I have been drinking glasses of boiling water...the only thing that has shown improvement is my marginal propensity to visit the washroom to experience the ultimate delight of "giving"...

Honk! Honk!

Request you to hold on to your horses of imagination running in all directions and giving you 'leading' indications of what these two words might connote, and allow me to instead unmask my intentions behind their use.

Any Delhiite going through this string would realise am talking of the iron-clad, fire spitting, raging monsters built by the likes of Honda San, Mitsubishi San, and the indigenous TATAs Salamat. For people who want to test their mettle and consider themselves 'nuts' who can withstand the atmospheric pressures (which although happen to be 1/1000th the pressures of 'client deadlines'), should try commuting from one corner of Delhi to another at 9 in the morning or 6 in the evening.

Driving the vicious cycle of Office-Home-Office, everyday I have my rendezvous with the DTC (Direct Terror Control) Buses and the Saloon and Sedans of the world. However this one is a little different from the Simi Farewal show, this one reminds me of the forces of Saruman. I get into a whole different world wherein I am Mr Frodo, trying to save 'My Precious' (Maruti 800) from bumping into the much more suave, rugged, sturdy, powerful and 'educated' demons belonging to the Indian Govt and otherwise. My poor 'Precious' often travels more like a peasant who has forgotten to pay his due of land to the zameendar, getting flaked left, right and center, with abuses being hurled upon her from every thinkable corner. However this is not a forum to discuss those trivial issues and we should rather those bitter moments rest in oblivion. But my own theory of the honking says - Eureka!

It seems that cars on the road have given a whole new meaning and beginning to the linguistic sciences. Am sure I will make Shakespeare turn in his grave when I say that we might be on to something! The rich brats (or the rug rats, I prefer the latter!) are developing a new language just by mere pressing of or (in case of electronic cars) twiddle of their thumbs. My research which had a literary component (unearthing the meaning of the words of wisdom that I have seen flowing out of the mouths of the great drivers) and an observational component (reactions and sometimes ACTIONS of the people who were addressed with those words of wisdom), has helped me decipher the meaning of the 'honks'. For the benefit of the lesser mortals like me, I am presenting a glimpse of the same below...:-)

One Honk = "How youuuu doin..;)". Two honks = "Dont test my patience"...Three honks = "get off the road you dimwit!!"...Four honks = "You are stepping on my last nerve!"...Five honks = "My hands..your neck!..fair trade"....Six honks = "Death is my best friend...and I want you to meet him"....Seven Honks = "Give way to the ayatollah of the rock 'n' rolla". Eight honks = "Hang until die". Nine Honks = "I pay more TAXXXXX.....so GET OFF THE ROAD".....Never ending string of Honks = "Nature call (ing). Give way"...

Kudos to the kings of the swing who have put Delhi on an international pedestal! (I am sure the great leaders and thinkers must be feeling ashamed of their achievements which has been dwarfed by the new light of knowledge bestowed upon us). Already some scientists are researching and finding out the possibilities of adding dimensions of "Duration" (elongated horn) and "Grammar" (short, cogent horns) to this language. Are we all not glad to be alive...!:)

Infact the last I heard from the media was that Cambridge and Harvard press are planning to include = "the 6 pm honks" and "the 9 am rush" as metaphors right next to "the seven year itch"..:-).

Days are not far when brigade of mums will enroll their kids, in special schools (Don Honkos, Honko Convent etc) to learn the new language. No longer can someone "blow his own trumpet"...Passe. "Blow your horn" - In Vogue..

The barriers of communication will give way to the new language of blowing car horns, we wil be united as a truly global village. The chinese, the Japanese, the Italianos, The Bangla...we would be able to understand everyone, and finally they would be able to understand us!:) (with the exception of the US ofcourse). The final outcome would be what Mr Bush has been trumpeting (sorry honking) about = WORLD PEACE!:)

So the next time you want a better appraisal, or you are having problems getting along with your girl friends father, or you just feel like "communicating" the way our great parliamentarians do, please sit behind the wheel and make use of the language!

I wonder how we can ever thank and express our gratutitude to those innumerable rich brats (rug rats), who have self-lessly given all of us a whole new meaning to live. How eagerly I look forward to every morning in my life...only my life can tell...:)

For all those who liked my thoughts = Hank you!...for all those who dint - Honk you!..:-)